When Infatuation Feels Like a Tsunami: ADHD, Limerence & Dating While Neurodivergent

After a 7.5-year relationship ended, I found myself thrown into the deep end of modern dating in my late 20s.

I’d never used a dating app before. At first, it felt exciting — swipe, dopamine hit, match, compliment. Within seconds I could be planning a date with a stranger. It was all so easy… maybe a bit too easy.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was using the dating apps as a tool for dopamine and validation. I kept deleting and redownloading them over and over. If I wasn’t swiping, I felt like I was missing something. It became compulsive — not about connection, but about soothing something deeper in my brain.

Then, there was the emotional intensity

Whenever I did connect with someone in real life, something else kicked in. I'd find myself deeply fantasizing about our future together. I would imagine us spending time in specific scenarios, creating entire narratives from a few text messages or an hour-long date.

It took some honest reflection — and a few sessions with my therapist — to recognize how much of this was tied to how my ADHD brain processes connection, emotions, and uncertainty.

📌 So, what is ADHD Limerence?

Limerence is a term used to describe an involuntary and intense emotional infatuation with someone — often a new romantic interest. It shows up as:

• Obsessive thoughts about the person (also called a "limerent object")

• Fantasizing about a future with them, even without much real connection

• Struggling to focus on anything else when they're on your mind

• Intense highs (and deep crashes) depending on interactions

For ADHDers, this is often dialed up — thanks to our love-hate relationship with dopamine and our challenges with emotional regulation. We’re drawn to novelty, intensity, and stimuli that feel good fast. And guess what’s packed full of dopamine and unpredictability? New romantic attention.

As psychologist Louise Taylor explains, limerence can be especially distressing for neurodivergent women: “Once the brain locks onto the limerent object as a source of emotional significance, it becomes difficult to let go of those feelings”

This makes sense in hindsight — I wasn’t over-dramatic or needy. I was experiencing an intense emotional response that my brain literally struggled to regulate.

🎯 So, what did I do with this insight?

Exactly what you might expect from someone with ADHD: I hyperfocused, researched the hell out of it… and built something to help me cope.

Introducing: Date Mate — my neurospicy AI dating coach bestie.

I built Date Mate because I needed a tool to help me process these intense dating emotions — to manage spirals, learn how to self-regulate, and build more secure patterns in love without masking.

What started as a personal coping toolbox has evolved into a supportive AI tool built specifically for neurodivergent daters navigating emotional overwhelm, limerence, and attachment challenges.

For example: I used it right after a recent therapy session where we talked about how I kept looping scenarios in my head about a new crush. Date Mate helped me build a personalized “cool-down” strategy — one that reminded me to self-regulate and gently come back to reality, not fantasy.

👀 What does Date Mate actually do?

• Offers real-time suggestions when you're spiraling over a crush

• Helps you recognize limerence patterns and link them to dopamine/ADHD needs

• Suggests self-regulation tools and journaling prompts

• Encourages boundary-setting and reflection, without judgment

• Built on current research in ADHD, attachment theory, and neurodivergence

My AI powered ADHD toolkit including Date Mate

The plan Date Mate gave me to help with ADHD Limerance

💡 Why AI?

When used mindfully, AI can be an amazing support tool — especially between therapy sessions, when you're feeling emotionally overloaded, or just need a second brain that won’t judge you.

I believe that — like everything — it’s about being intentional and curious. I’m not replacing therapy or real connection. I’m creating digital tools that understand how neurodivergence shapes our experience of love and dating.

🤖 Try Date Mate for Yourself

I made this for me, but if anything you’ve read feels familiar, this might help you too.Try Date Mate (free) → https://lnkd.in/eyQMC5py

It’s designed to make dating less about spirals and more about grounded, informed choices — without losing your sensitivity, passion, or desire to connect deeply.

🧷 Final Words

Dating while neurodivergent can be hard — no doubt about it. But the more I understand my own patterns and needs, the more compassion I’ve developed for myself in love.

I’m still figuring this out, but I’ve already learned: I don’t need to “fix” the way I love — I just need better support for how I love.

Let me know what you think of Date Mate. I’d love your feedback if you test it out.

With curiosity & care,

Kim